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SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED, AND SPEWED

Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master’s house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot’s ne’er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves. Along the way, Idjit’s owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp-dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b-list poopie-groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster diety, and the Florida Skunk Ape.

"Not since Lord Timothy Dexter’s A Pickle for the Knowing Ones has a book been so well written, humorous and insightful. Lance Carbuncle is to literature what Ed Wood was to film. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is sure to be a literary classic."

BLOGGED

GRUNDISH AND ASKEW TAKES FIRST PLACE IN THE 2009 READER VIEWS LITERARY AWARDS, HUMOR CATEGORY
March 12, 2010 | No Comments »

Big News! My second novel,Grundish and Askew, is the 1st place winner in the humor category of the Reader Views 2009 Literary Awards.

Of course your question is, what does this mean to you? Well, you can now tell people that you are virtually friends with Award Winning Author, Lance Carbuncle. The awe that this will most certainly inspire may be too much for those with weaker constitutions. Be careful with this information as it may cause the following in persons with weakened immune systems: myocardial infarctions, torn sphincters, bloody gums, the vapors, and, an inexplicable sense of hopelessness and shame.

What does it mean for Carbuncle? I do not know, but, I suspect that my award certificate (or whatever it is that they give me), along with a handful of crack rocks, will probably get me a blowjob from a toothless hooker with tape worms and a yeast infection. Carbuncle is definitely moving on up.

All jokes aside, Grundish and Askew is now an award-winning book. That’s pretty cool. And thanks to Reader Views for recognizing good writing when they saw it. I hope they don’t take any offense at me goofing on their award and strip me of it. Hurry up and buy a signed copy of the book before I am stripped of my award like some Miss America winner whose slutty past caught up with her. What are you waiting for? Click on the “Buy Now” button below before I punch you in your taint.

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Grundish and Askew signed copies now available
September 22, 2009 | No Comments »

Yes! Believe it or not, you (yes you) can be the proud owner of a signed copy of my much loved new book, Grundish and Askew. Click on the buy now button below and you will be one of the cool people who owns a signed copy of my incredible new book.


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Booby-O and Milky-O
September 11, 2009 | No Comments »

I, too, love Booby-O and Milky-O.  They are better than mangos or a million melons.


My six word story
July 11, 2009 | 1 Comment »

words fail me.  fists will suffice.


Random Fact- Bandicoot Double Penetration
July 10, 2009 | 1 Comment »

Male bandicoots (small to medium sized terrestrial marsupials) have a bifid penis, i.e., the penis has two equal sized heads.  These tips correlate with the paired vagina of the female bandicoot. 

REVIEWS

"A charmingly sick odyssey through the friendliest Hell you ever met."
Mykle Hansen- Author of Help! A Bear is Eating Me.

"This is one of the best road books I've ever read. The story is amazing yet somehow believable, the characters are instantly likable. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is full of dark humor that will make you laugh out loud and grimace simultaneously."
Marcus Eder- Author of Rorschach’s Ribs.

"Carbuncle's debut novel is simply laugh-out-loud funny! It may not be the book you want to give to your conservative grandfather on his birthday, but for the rest it offers a roller-coaster ride of substance abuse and bizarre happenings. Fans of Carl Hiaasen and Hunter S. Thompson will surely love this book."
A.F. Rutzy- Author of End Credits.

"Like On the Road as seen through the prism of a carnival sideshow."
Bradley Sands- Author of It Came from Below the Belt and Editor-in-Chief of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens.

“Seriously f#@*ed up fun! Prepare to be let down by the book you read after it.”
Scott Carpenter- Author of Mr. Undesirable

"Wow! That was quite a ride. I feel the need to shower and call my mother, but I'm smiling!"
Rhonda, Really - Myspace member, Reader, Reviewer, and woman with phobia related to Toby Keith’s giant teeth

Best read of 2008...[A] modern epic journey that puts Homer's Odyssey to shame. SSSCCaS follows the voyage of one man trying to get back to his canine soul mate, and the interactions he has with those he meets along the way. Snarky, witty, and riotous, leaves you with the feeling of time well spent. Should come with a warning label. CAUTION: Author not responsible for any injury, or loss of dignity incurred while reading in public. Under no circumstances should one eat or drink while reading. Doing so may result in trouble breathing, choking or death."
Artoria-Amazon.com reviewer

“Lance Carbuncle is one sick S.O.B.! Smashed, etc. is kind of like "Thelma and Louise," if they'd been horny 20-something guys on acid. A hysterical read!!!”
Kirsten O. , Facebook Visual Bookshelf

“Though politically incorrect and vulgar at times, the journey is fast paced and extremely witty. That is what makes this book so special. Societal taboos are touched upon in a delicate, comedic manner; a true talent of Carbuncle. And don't be fooled by the jocular Foreword, the story is well written and grammar speed bumps are easily forgiven. The well described characters and situations come to life and dance on the pages. Fans of Christopher Moore, Chuck Palahniuk, Tom Robbins, and Robert Coover will love Carbucle's twisted tale. People who love ACDC will enjoy the story as well. Why? Just trust me. After reading this treat, you will catch a case of the infectious Carbuncles.”
Don Moore, Amazon Reviewer and author

“Often hilarious, always fun, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is a honkin' good time from start to finish. With tons of pop-culture references; dark, twisted humor; and insanely well developed characters; Lance Carbuncle brings home a great first novel. Fans of Christopher Moore, Robert Tacoma, and Tim Dorsey will find joy in Carbuncle's pages. This is one wild and zany (road)trip you won't want to miss!”
Citizen Dan, Myspace member and reviewer

“Sick, Sick, Sick and Funny... Carbuncle must be a very disturbed man. But he knows how to write and how to make his readers laugh. I loved the bizarre footnotes throughout the book and the subtle literary, pop-culture and musical references. If you're looking for cute and cuddly, turn around and run the other way. If you like sick and twisted humor which is weaved into a good story line and hilarious characters, then pick up this book and be ready to laugh.”
Gerkin, Barnes and Noble reviewer

"Smashed is the funniest book I have ever read. I couldn't put it down. It has a hilarious cast of characters and even crazier events that are all masterfully wound together. If you have a weird sense of humor BUY THIS BOOK NOW!!!!"
Stephen Simon- Reader, Reviewer and Mixologist Extraordinaire

"I'd definitely recommend this book. It reads like it was written by an odd bastard child of Jack Black and Christopher Moore. I read it in one sitting. ONCE I STARTED I COULD NOT STOP."
May I Bleed Ink- Myspace member, Reader, Reviewer, an all around cool guy

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