Big News! My second novel,Grundish and Askew, is the 1st place winner in the humor category of the Reader Views 2009 Literary Awards.

Of course your question is, what does this mean to you? Well, you can now tell people that you are virtually friends with Award Winning Author, Lance Carbuncle. The awe that this will most certainly inspire may be too much for those with weaker constitutions. Be careful with this information as it may cause the following in persons with weakened immune systems: myocardial infarctions, torn sphincters, bloody gums, the vapors, and, an inexplicable sense of hopelessness and shame.

What does it mean for Carbuncle? I do not know, but, I suspect that my award certificate (or whatever it is that they give me), along with a handful of crack rocks, will probably get me a blowjob from a toothless hooker with tape worms and a yeast infection. Carbuncle is definitely moving on up.

All jokes aside, Grundish and Askew is now an award-winning book. That’s pretty cool. And thanks to Reader Views for recognizing good writing when they saw it. I hope they don’t take any offense at me goofing on their award and strip me of it. Hurry up and buy a signed copy of the book before I am stripped of my award like some Miss America winner whose slutty past caught up with her. What are you waiting for? Click on the “Buy Now” button below before I punch you in your taint.

Yes! Believe it or not, you (yes you) can be the proud owner of a signed copy of my much loved new book, Grundish and Askew. Click on the buy now button below and you will be one of the cool people who owns a signed copy of my incredible new book.

I, too, love Booby-O and Milky-O.  They are better than mangos or a million melons.

words fail me.  fists will suffice.

Male bandicoots (small to medium sized terrestrial marsupials) have a bifid penis, i.e., the penis has two equal sized heads.  These tips correlate with the paired vagina of the female bandicoot. 

Here’s how the shit works. I’m going to be giving away three signed copies of my next book, GRUNDISH AND ASKEW. The copies will be given to the three people who best help me to promote my first novel, SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED AND SPEWED. How, you ask, can you help me to promote my book? I don’t know. Use your imagination. Take pictures of yourself naked and reading Smashed and post the pics online. Videotape yourself defending yourself against a physical attack with just my book and an oven mitt and post the video on Youtube. Come on, think up something by yourself. Post rave reviews of Smashed anywhere and everywhere. If you have already been charged with a heinous crime, contact the media and claim that Smashed warped your little mind and made you perpetrate your disgusting acts. (However, you don’t get a book if you go out and commit some perverse act just to get the book. So don’t even think about it, you sick little monkey).

So get out there and sing the praises of Smashed. The world needs more Carbuncle and you, yes you, can help. This contest ends on July 24, 2009. So put on some pants, drink a little bit of liquid courage, and get out there and scare the shit out of people with my book.

 Thank you.  That is all.

My next book, Grundish and Askew is almost done and ready for release. Here is the back cover blurb:

“Strap on your athletic cup and grab a barf bag. The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle is going to kick you square in the balls and send you on a wild ride that may or may not answer the following questions: what happens when two white trash, trailer park-dwelling, platonic life partners go on a moronic and misdirected crime spree?; can their manly love for each other endure when one of them suffers a psychological bitch-slap that renders him a homicidal maniac?; will a snaggletoothed teenage prostitute tear them apart?; what is the best way to use a dead illegal alien to your advantage in a hostage situation?; what’s that smell?; and, what the hell is Alf the Sacred Burro coughing up? Carbuncle’s latest offering, Grundish and Askew, ponders these troubling questions and more. So sit down, put on some protective goggles, and get ready for Carbuncle to blast you in the face with a warm load of fictitious sickness.”

And check out the bad-ass cover design done by my friend and fellow Vicious Books author, Marcus Eder, author of Rorschach’s Ribs. Marcus graciously offered his talent up for the cover design and did not disappoint.

Keep an eye out for Grundish and Askew, to be released through Vicious Books this August.

I could make funny jokes about gold teeth and crackheads, but there really is no need. This one speaks for itself.

I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed that this is a joke. The scary thing is that when you first watch this, you can’t really be sure if this guy is for real. Anyway, it’s just funny on so many levels.

The Mr. T Snickers ad below is some of the funniest shit I have seen in a long time.   And  it hasn’t been shown in the U.S. because The Human Rights Campaign has ruined everyone’s fun and whined that the ad is homophobic, saying:  “These kinds of ads perpetuate the notion that the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community is a group of second class citizens and that violence against GLBT people is not only acceptable, but humorous.”  Huh?  Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that speedwalking was a big thing in the transgender community.  Holy shit!  Has the world gone crazy?  Did Mr. T attack the guy in this ad because he thought he was gay?  Hell no.  Mr. T just pities the fool for being a sissy boy power walker.  Mr. T doesn’t want to hear any jibba jabber about power walking. The advertisement is hilarious and it is ludicrous that anybody would see fit to pressure a corporation to pull such an ad on the basis that it promotes violence against anybody.  As a matter of fact, I’m going to boycott Mars products until I see a commercial with Mr. T locking a full-on choke hold on Richard Simmons  and smashing Snickers bars down his throat.  People need to get a sense of humor.  I’m not gay, but if I were, I think I’d be kind of excited about Mr. T aiming something brown and sweet at my ass.  I’m just saying… Now check out the best commercial ever made:

want some candy

I recently saw some pictures of bad tattoos that made me cringe (I’ve got nothing against tattoos, I have a number of them myself) and I felt that I needed to share them.  Some had to do with misspellings.  But the really, really, hideous shit was the tattoo portraits.  It all started with this one, which I call  In Loving Memory of my Zombie Wife:

So I checked out the webpage for the guy who did the above abomination and found that he seems to almost specialize in astoundingly inaccurate and unintentionally scary portrait tats.  For example, look at this heartworming, I mean heartwarming, likeness of the couple that I will call Vern and Gertie:

 God damn it, I wish I had me some sweet ink like that.  I am sure that Vern is touched by the palsied looking likeness that his son got tattooed on his arm.  And, no doubt, Gertie’s dreams came true when her baby boy got a tattoo of her looking like she’s bearing down on a particularly troublesome bowel movement.

And then there’s this guy, who decided to get a tattoo of Drew Barrymore’s  special needs twin sister:

Here’s the tattoo that I like to call Gee Beaver, I don’t know, I just kind of feel like a big Creep with this on my arm:

I don’t want to make too much fun of this guy’s Grandma. It’s obvious he really loves her because she gets a position on his arm even above his pit bull.  Plus, he’ll probably kick my ass if I say anything bad about it:

 I love and miss my Grandpa, too.  But something would just feel kind of wrong about inking his grinning visage right above my erect nipple:

By the way, what was so bad about Grandpa’s hat that they decided to leave it off and instead ink in that handsome comb-over. 

And, finally, somebody got a portrait of this guy looking like he just ate a face-full of bus-exhaust:

Vicious Books is proud to announce the addition of the Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle to the VB family. Carbuncle has amassed a dedicated cult following with his debut novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed.  He has been called the bastard child of everybody from Jack Kerouac to Christopher Moore to Henry Bukowski. We have to agree, he certainly is a bastard.  Dr. Carbuncle has joined with Vicious Books for the publication of his upcoming novel, Grundish and Askew (working title), due out later this year.  In the meantime, please check out the reviews of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed on Reverend Carbuncle’s website, www. lancecarbuncle. com where you can purchase a signed copy of Smashed from Carbuncle. 

The family just got bigger, and slightly more disfunctional…Lance certainly fills the role of crazy drunk uncle quite nicely…Do stop by his myspace page and make nice…